Sunday, May 12, 2013

$$


I hate money.
Well, more accurately, I hate not having money.
It's not that I'm a rich boy who gets pouty whenever his dad didn't buy him the latest CoD game. It's more I'm a son of a busboy who can't control money. It's not fun to admit that, it never is. I go to a school where my classmates parents are lawyers, doctors, teachers, technicians, etc... I'm the kid in the corner whose mom doesn't get a job because it's religiously sanctioned. I'm the kid who can't pay $10,000 a year for college while others are paying $30,000.
But that's not what hurts. What hurts is going to my parents bank account - I pay their bills online since they're not tech savvy - and knowing that we barely have enough to pay the bills. Every time the water bill lands on my desk, my heart skips a beat because I know that's going to take a lot out. I know my dad’s weekly wages and his weekly expenses. They don't match up, not by a long shot. Living in a house because everybody else was buying one is biting us in the ass right now. Well, it always has. Having to pay thousands of dollars of maintenance cost and worrying about tenants paying their rent on time scratches away at our years. I hate not having money. I need it to support my family, to support myself. And I know that money is such a big part of life, more than passion will ever be.
It sucks.

What comes afterwards


Whenever I’m asked the question of whether or not I’m afraid of death – and I get asked that more often than not – I usually answer with no. And I’ve been thinking about that question recently, about whether or not death is something to be afraid of. I personally don’t find it scary, not the concept of death. What I do find scary is what comes afterwards. Rather, the uncertainty of what comes afterwards. A few years ago, I considered myself religious. A Muslim, if anybody needed clarification. With that particular faith comes the belief that there exists a heaven and hell, controlled by a God. Good people, in accordance to the Quran and Sunnah, are sent to the heaven while the bad are sent to hell. A majority of people will go to hell, and that’s not just the cynicism talking. I guess that supports the view that there are a lot of shitty people on this Earth. But recently, due to outward influence, I’ve been questioning faith. With that comes the uncertainty that causes my strife. Is there a heaven and hell? Or do we just slip into nothingness after death, and do our bodies just decay? That’s what scares me, not knowing what comes afterwards.
Before you jump to any conclusions, know that I’m not against any faith. I respect all religions and views, as long as people aren’t dicks about it. What I believe may not be right. It may not be wrong either. Nevertheless, what I believe in dictates how I’ll live my life. If I think that this is just a rollercoaster I’ll try to enjoy it as much as I can before I make it to the end. Or before my seat belt fails me and I fall. Hopefully not the latter. But if there is some sort of hierarchy at the end waiting to judge my life, I want to live it in accordance to whatever hierarchy is imposed.
That way I get the best of what comes afterwards. But not knowing is a conundrum. How am I supposed to live? Should I go around and live life to the fullest? Or do I have to cower in modesty and fear of being judged poorly? All these things determine how I take the next step forward. It’s scary not knowing how to move forward. It’s even scarier thinking that the wrong move might lead to something horrifying, an end no one can begin to fathom. 

Saturday, April 27, 2013

A Permanent End pt. 1

This is the first part of my short story I've started. Enjoy


                The night was quiet. An occasional gust of wind would rustle the trees and bushes. The moon was full, illuminating the forest with a milky light. A man seemingly walked out of the shadows and into the scenery. He looked around, grimacing at where he was. He stalked through the woods, his shoes making only the slightest of noise as he wove through the thicket of trees. Finally he came upon a clearing. Lying in the middle was a small wooden shack. The man sighed and walked towards it. As he got closer he saw that there was no door anywhere on the halls. He smirked. The man kept a very even, steady pace walking towards the wall. He closed his eyes and when it seemed like he was going to crash into the shack, he disappeared. All that was left was a wisp of black smoke where the body was. The night was quiet again
The man opened his eyes into a shocking darkness. He looked around, trying to get a bearing on what was inside the shack. He began to walk around, each step echoing around the room. His eyes quickly adjusted to the darkness. Noticing a big gap in the ground, the man walked towards the hole and found a stairway leading somewhere downstairs.
He walked down the stairs slowly, trying not to make any noise. But his shoes didn’t agree with him as they went clack against the concrete. Eventually he reached a room that was lit by a dim candle. In the center of a room stood another man who was seemingly overlooking someone in a chair. The man in the room turned to see who had come down and smiled.
“Crow-Bird! You have come to visit me!”
Crow-Bird, who was making his way across the room, was not as overjoyed as his friend.
“Well, the only reason I stopped by was because I happened to be the one assigned on messenger duty. So don’t get too excited, Alessandro.”
The words rolled off his tongue awkwardly. He had a thick accent and didn’t seem keen on talking to Alessandro.
“Regardless, you have come,” said Alessandro rather happily.
Crow gave a stiff nod, motioning towards the man sitting down. “How much longer until he talks?”
Alessandro shrugged. ‘I’ve been working on him for over two hours now. Haven’t really done anything too severe. Just basic steps. So I don’t think he’ll talk till later.”
Crow walked up to the man, gently moving Alessandro aside, who didn’t seem to mind. The man had very dark skin, his hair completely shaven off. Crow-Bird found it unnatural, especially in comparison to his long, silky hair, for a man to shave his off. Sometimes they made patterns for ceremonies, but to get rid of something given to you by the mighty god Avihs was a sign of arrogance and disbelief. He would have been killed in the village center for such behaviors.
Crow-Bird took special notice of the tattoos that shone on his torso, his shirt had been ripped off and most of his upper body showed. They were of signs and hieroglyphics, Crow knew that neither he nor Alessandro would be to read them. But that was the point of him being brought here.
“We need to find out how he get’s those marks on his body,” Crow-Bird told Alessandro. “And we need to know fast. Chief just told me that we lost the battle in the east, the one by your city of Yorkshire. His kind is advancing forward. We cannot be overrun.”
Alessandro nodded. “I understand. You shouldn’t worry about it. I’ve yet to lock eyes with him, once I do this he’ll be putty in my hand.”
“If you say so,” muttered Crow-Bird. “Remind me again, how did you manage to capture him? Only the elites have those tattoos on their body, the majority of the soldiers are foot soldiers.”
Alessandro grimaced at the memory. It had taken them 12,000 men to secure one of their lieutenants. He at first questioned if the sacrifice was worth it, but the question wasn’t acknowledged by the King. And when they started the battle, the question fled his mind. It had taken them the time of a week to capture a prisoner. The foot soldiers were all useless, whichever straggled into their hands were killed on the spot. Or after a period of time. The higher ups who were caught committed suicide, their bodies completely useless after that. This one, however, they got lucky with. Alessandro’s archers managed to hit both his arms and one leg, giving Alessandro enough time to capture him and give him first aid. The man had barely lived and still slipped to and from conciseness. But it was the closest they’re ever gotten.
“It was gruesome,” replied Alessandro.
“Quite the laconic,” grunted Crow-Bird. “It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he wakes up and tells us how his people can manipulate their weapons. Once we get that skill in our hands we can turn the war into our favor. Your king and my chief both have a pact of alliance. I am here to help you in any way.”
Alessandro smiled. “It’s good to know I have a friend here. It’s so desolate in these forests.”
“That’s because no one knows about this place,” said Crow-Bird. “It’s one of the Holy Forests our people hold dear. The wildlife and the wild places of Avihs should never be touched. But that was apparently a necessary sacrifice for your loyalty.”
Alessandro put his hands up in mock surrender. “Look, I know you’re mad that your holy land was tainted by us impurities. But we needed this place for the T.I. Squad. And we didn’t touch most of the land.”
“’Didn’t touch most of the land,’” spat back Crow-Bird. “This entire area has been cleared. The trees are dead, the animals are dead, the aura of Avihs is dead. Are you to tell me that you didn’t ‘touch’ the land? You make me laugh. Laugh and cry. You don’t know the severity of your crimes.”
Alessandro walked up to Crow-Bird. His stature was huge in comparison to Crow, at least half a foot in height difference and 50 pounds of weight between them. His face was begrudgingly calm and he seemed not to be bothered by the harsh words.
“You can yell at me all you want Crow-Bird, but once this war finished we’ll be out of your land and the trees will grow back. So until then, you’ll have to be patient and live with it.”
Crow-Bird bit his tongue from saying any more. Once the war was over, they’ll leave. Everything will go back to the way things were.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Dear Olivia


Dear Olivia,
I’m sorry I can’t make it today. My boss has me by my neck and wants me to finish the report by tonight. That means I have to stay in the office really late. Insert sad face here. I really wanted to spend the day with you, I know how important today is. But the most I could do I send this email and call you, which I will do. I just wanted to say I love you and I appreciate what you’ve been doing for me. I know how hard it is to keep up a relationship where we don’t see each other every day. But even with that you wanted to try this. That, to me, means the world. It’s been three years and I hope this lasts for even longer. You’re my world.
Love,
John

Monday, April 22, 2013

Sting


It stung a little. The first few times it hurt a lot; sharp and stinging pain that shot through all of my nerves. My eyes used to water back then. I cried. A lot. But that was when I first started. It’s been two years since then. I haven’t cried in a long time. But I guess that’s because I’m so used to the fact that it always happens. I’ve gotten comfortable with it as my only escape. Some days I want to quit, but it’s so much harder without it. If nicotine was a coppery red, it would be this.
So for the fourth time this week, I put the knife up to my skin. The edge was glistening red. The small cut that was already there dripped blood slightly, running down my arm to my fingers. I was in the tub today, the water three quarters of the way. It was warm. There were slight tinges of red where the drips of blood had fallen, but other than that, it was rather clear. The water hugged my curves gently. I was told I had curved, but it’s always hard to believe compliments. Especially since they’re always said to gain something. Love. Affection. Sex. People are always so selfish.
With one quick movement, I slid the edge of the knife down a bit of my skin. The first time, I was scared and my hands shook. But by now, my hands didn’t even move an inch. It was all very methodic. The cut stung, but it was a relaxing sensation. The blood dripped down my finger into the water. What used to scare me became a satisfying addiction.
I want to die.